I’ve
often told people that my life was okay until I got married. In reality there were a couple big issues in
my childhood that weren’t the greatest.
My parents chose favorite kids and I was the odd man out and so pretty
much felt ignored. And due to the lack
of physical affection (the main way I understand love and because Mom thought
we didn’t need hugs/ touch after age six) I also felt unloved. Still, most of the worst trials of my life came
after marriage.
My
biggest dream was shattered one year after we were married- we would not bear
children. Successive shattering happened:
when we were told we couldn’t adopt through the public system (a long story),
private was not available for several years and we couldn’t afford or didn’t
match criteria for most foreign adoptions.
Later, my husband had a very scary medical issue. I was being harassed at work by my
supervisor. We were robbed near
Christmas one year and had hassles with the insurance company. My dad died that January. I made a rather
large mistake at work for which I could have been fired but ended up written
up. (6 ½ years of marriage)
Finally,
private adoption opened up, we got our girl and despite the rough first year,
and Albert becoming diabetic, it was a good few years until the worst trial hit
in 2000 and lasted six years. One day
maybe I’ll be free to speak more specifically about it… Anyway, that was a big time surrender to God
near the end of that. My response to all
the bad trials was short time faith, big disappointment, anger at God for not
intervening and then bitterness. In 2006
there was finally real trust. Three
months later I had cancer. 1 ½ years of
treatment. Next, Albert’s lay off for 3
½ years in which I was unable to work for health reasons and his heart attack during
it in 2010 (two fully blocked arteries, one half). (24 years of marriage)
Everything changed for me in early 2006 as I gave up the fight for
control and surrendered to God. I
recognized Him as sovereign over all, that He allowed me to go through what He
wanted me to for good reason, that I
didn’t have to understand why but
trust Him and that He was always there for me even when I accused Him of not being there. My perspectives of trials changed. My trust in Him increased. Joy and peace remained through the difficulties; yes, including the cancer.
God did that.
Though the fig tree shall not blossom, and fruit is
not on the vines; the labor of the olive fails, and the fields yield no food.
The flock is cut off from the fold, and no herd is
in the stalls; yet I will rejoice in Jehovah, I will joy in the God of my
salvation. Jehovah the Lord is my
strength, and He will make my feet like hinds' feet,
and He will make me to walk on my high places… Hbk. 3:17-19
All those
years of my life seemed mostly
wasted. But I don’t think they’re wasted
because of the misery and troubles I went through but because I was fighting
God so hard for control that I didn’t really know Him as I could have. Now, because of my trust in Him no matter what happens during my life,
I rejoice (exult, triumph), joy (exult, be glad) in Him who saves (delivers,
sets me free, gives me victory). Victory
even over my own flaws. And He is my
strength (efficiency, wealth, army) and makes me like a female deer marching
forth on my (high places, mountains,
battlefields, places of worship). (dictionary- BDB)
Jehovah is no
small God of wood and stone (Ac. 17:29) unable to effect change in our lives
(Rm. 2:29; 12:1,2; 2Cr. 3:17,18; Ep. 2:10; Ez. 36:26).
If we allow Him, He will change us for the better and our lives will
become great masterpieces of beauty that stand in His gallery for all to see
His glory and work in our lives: His Light and shadows, His strokes, tones, textures,
shape, movement, scale, contrast and colour He ‘painted’ into in our
lives. He is our divine Creator, the One
who treasures us like no other. The One
who saves us by laying down His life for us.
(Jesus said) …I lay down My life so that I might take
it again. No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down from Myself… Jh. 10:17,18
But He was
wounded for our transgressions; He was
bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was on Him; and with His stripes we ourselves are
healed. Is. 53:5
No one has greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for his
friends. Jh. 15:13
Our One True Love